


Worthy

by XxByImm



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Insecurity
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-04
Updated: 2017-10-04
Packaged: 2019-01-08 23:59:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12264735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/XxByImm/pseuds/XxByImm
Summary: Reader is insecure and battles her demons.





	Worthy

**Author's Note:**

> This is a short story I wrote when I was really frustrated with.... life.

It was all too familiar.

The dull ache in her heart, the inability of being able to breathe… The feeling that no matter how hard she tried, she would never be good enough.

She felt so lost.

She had felt like this before, a long time ago. And it nearly had cost her her life.   
If it wasn’t for him, she would have embraced the darkness without even doubting about it. Although he would never admit it, he knew he saved her. She was at her lowest point when they met. When their gazes locked for the first time, his blue eyes piercing right through her soul… He shone light into her darkness. He took care of her and fell in love with her. He promised to be there for her until the end of days. He asked her to be his wife, his queen.   
She was honored and had accepted his offer, but she would never fully understand why he had chosen her. There were far more suitable dwarrowdams to be his one. Or his queen.

‘Why me?’ she had asked, many times, over and over again.  
‘Because it’s you.’ He always simply answered.   
She could not hold back her tears, not when he said something so confusing to her like that.   
‘But WHY? I don’t… I’m… I’m flawed. I’m nothing.’  
He had taken her into his arms and kissed her in a gentle manner.  
‘Why do you love me?’ he breathed.  
A shy smile appeared on her face.   
‘That’s simple. You’re perfect. You’re the most breathtaking beautiful dwarf I’ve ever seen. You’re intelligent, brave, fearless even. You’re kind, loving, funny. You’re everything I ever wanted.’  
‘And what about my flaws, love?’ he had inquired softly.  
She had furrowed her brows together, unsure what to say. When she finally did provide him with an answer, her voice was firm and full of certainty.   
‘I love your flaws, because they’re yours.’  
A smile appeared on his face.   
‘Even when I’m too stubborn to admit you were right and I was wrong?’  
‘Even then.’ She vowed.   
‘Then why would you even think I couldn’t love you because of your flaws?’  
She had tried to turn away, but his grip on her was too firm.   
‘That’s different.’ She murmured.   
‘I don’t see why.’ He whispered back. ‘I don’t see why I’m more worthy of your love than you are of mine.’  
‘I do.’ She told him.   
‘Then I will never stop trying until you understand why you’re worthy of me.’

And as the years passed by, she gradually learned why he loved her. Maybe at some point she even understood.

But then she became queen.

And as a queen, everything was different. Everything was terrifying. She didn’t know how to be herself, let alone be a queen! She had heard the whispers of the dwarrowdams around her, gossiping about their new queen. Weird, they had called her. A freak. They wondered how long it would take the king to replace her. Because after all, the queen was too different. Too weak.   
The fact that those awful dwarrowdams were kind to her, hurt the most. They offered to aid their queen, to help her find suitable dresses and understand the manners of the court, only to laugh at her when she turned her back. She’d never fit in, anywhere, and she knew.

That’s when the self-loathing began again. The pain in her chest had started so gradually she almost didn’t noticed what was coming. And when she did, it was too late to save herself. She went further down the drain. Again.

The king was too busy to notice his queen wasn’t doing well. They barely saw each other during the day. When he finally did retire in their shared quarters, he always found her in their bed, vast asleep.

She didn’t want to hurt him. She really didn’t. But the pull towards the darkness again was too strong to resist on her own.

So she ran.

Away, away from Erebor.  
Away from the whispers, the walls, the nobles who made her like this again. Away from herself, and her queenly role. All the things that scared her.

She ran until her body collapsed on the forest floor, her lungs screaming for oxygen and her legs trembling. She groaned, tried to get up, but her body was too worn out to listen. She stared at the leaves on the ground and wondered.

Is this the end? Is this how my demons get the better of me?

She found some strength again and slowly got up on her feet.   
A roar raised from within the depths of her soul. She didn’t want to let it out and her body started shaking from the emotions she tried to contain.   
But she had to. Every fiber of her existence needed to scream.   
So that’s what she did. She screamed until her voice was hoarse. She cried until there were no more tears to shed. Until she was numb.

Her feet dragged her further until she ended up by a lake. She sat down on the edge, and hesitantly looked into the dark waters. Her reflection looked back. The majority of her wanted to look away, to never have to see that horrid face again, but she forced herself not to.  
She put on a smile, trying to remember all the sweet tings he had told her over the years. If he believed them, if he could love her the way he did, she should at least try to see herself the same way.  
‘You’re beautiful, amrâlimê.’ She whispered to herself, ashamed to repeat the words he told her more than once.

She sighed and shook her head.   
‘You know, I may never love you the same way Thorin does, but we have to get along, don’t you agree?’ she muttered. ‘We should focus on the good things, instead of the bad.’   
Her reflection nodded shortly.  
‘Stop loathing ourselves.’ She murmured absentmindedly while the grass tickled her hands.  
‘We have to make it work, because we’re so much more than those dwarrowdams want us to believe. We’re strong.’

She stood up, her sudden movements scaring away the birds that came to enjoy the cool water.   
She frowned, as if she remembered something important.  
‘I am strong.’ She said. ‘Beautiful. Refreshingly different.’  
She took a deep breath. ‘I am.’

The sound of a branch cracking just behind her should have frightened her, but she knew it was him.

Her destiny.

She turned.  
There he was. Her king. Thorin, son of Thráin, son of Thrór. He stood so proud, majestically before her, only his eyes betraying how worried he was.   
‘They told me you left’ he began. ‘That you were in a hurry.’  
‘I’m sorry I ran.’ She whispered.   
He carefully took a few steps forward.  
‘What’s going on, amrâlimê?’   
‘I’m battling my demons.’ She said while decreasing the distance between them.  
‘Are you winning?’ he asked as he pulled her in his embrace.  
She nodded shortly. ‘Yes.’   
‘I knew you would.’ He whispered, his lips caressing her neck.   
‘Because you are strong, my queen.’  
She smiled. ‘I believe I am.’  
Thorin exhaled slowly, as if a weight just fell off his shoulders.   
‘I’m glad you understand now.’  
‘So am I, my love.’ She answered. ‘So am I…’


End file.
